Assignment 4 - One Morning
I was in a place filled with dark silence, numb, empty and a need to disappear. I had thoughts about committing social suicide, every morning walking to work thoughts of just leaving everything and disappearing without a trace. Just leave the car, keys, cash card, a note and then just keep walking. I had even looked into law about people who go missing, if I was found by the police they would not be able to disclose my location without my consent unless I was in danger. I was in a place that was pushing the world away, the world was better off without me, I was telling my wife to leaving me. I was telling my manager at work that if I did a course for a new job role if the pay was not what I expected I would leave after undertaking the course, I the attitude of “whatever”.
This had been coming for a long time. I succeeded in not being offer a place on the course described has being “too honest for my own good” in many peoples eyes I was the sure fire favourite to secure the place on the course for the new job role with 15 years’ experience, even my manager was annoyed, this decision was made a group of people. Even the person who secure the place was shocked and upset. I didn’t have the drive, the motivation or the desire, I knew that they wouldn’t offer the place to somebody who openly told them they would leave.
The last time I hear the words “too honest for my good” I was 16. I was an engineering apprentice, the practical I enjoyed and I really struggled with the theory and one day college course, on top of that on the shop floor every I was trying to learn was not used in the real world, there was the right way and then there was the “ right way ”. I stopped going to college because I really was struggling with it if I asked for help I would look stupid and thick, why do that if the theory and college course was it was pointless because in the real world it wasn’t practical or used. Of course I was found out and in the meeting with managers I explained that it was pointless because it was not used, they agreed in part it a lot of it was not used in the real world but it had to be done – pointless so why do it? They give me a chance to change my line, I omitted my struggles and I continued my line. Before they dismissed me they said I was a “nice lad with potential but your too honest for your own good….” It was defence mechanism if I couldn’t do the educational thing because your thick and stupid why bother, complete avoid it and nobody would find out. I did think about doing a nursing degree but talked myself out of it even doing my vocational qualification took me much longer due to the written element.
This course and qualification was an intense 6 week course 60 ucas points what’s that 600 hours of learning, taught at doctor level of knowledge in terms of anatomy and physiology, I talked everybody out it of given me a placement and a new job role. My studies with OCA was slowing down because what was the point. The penny dropped I was still being effected I was useless, stupid, thick and the world would be a better place without me. I was pushing my wife away I telling her to leave, I wanted to disappear, commit social suicide this grew into thoughts of taking my own life, I was in the process of planning the logistics , how, where, who was going to finding. This was 40 years in the making pushed down now deep spilling out. I loosed the will, getting out of bed was difficult, I just stared at the ceiling numb, motivation dead.
This work was created out of the need to make myself do something, anything to get out of bed.
Self portrait seemed like a natural started point, maybe I wanted to see myself in the same way my family saw me, direct gaze empty, shoulders slumped my body language said it all even if I couldn’t articulate it. The bedroom a place of privacy, rest, warmth and intimacy felt like dark place because I was there, the bedroom a place of a daily battle to get up and do something anything. The photograph of my kids happy and laughing, our wedding photograph reflecting in a mirror, I remove myself from the frame these images a symbol of my thoughts the colour palette calm, neutral and complimentary, a simple of shapes within the composition making them strong. My self portrait a similar in stance, red background given it sense of trauma. Me staring outside my wife doing about her day a sense of not belonging disconnection. The portraits are like mug shots, cold and distant different colour background different room around the house, drifting around them like a ghost.
The shadows in the bowl like bars metaphor a sense prison, unable to articulate my feelings the paper remain blank, house; car keys and mobile to leave them behind because they will have no use. The kitchen, traces of my wife, a time when the world was ordered and tidy. The final image the darkness.
The blurred image a distortion of self, unimportant, out of focus, the opposite in focus, something that shouldn’t matter so small yet the centre of the image becoming important a sense of confusion
The text started out has a marker an aid to see the composition of the text, a rough idea of what of what it could say, a place where decision yet to me made. During feedback on the OCA Forum Live hangout is was suggested that maybe the text should be left has it was. I wasn’t sure and to a degree I am still unsure. It does serve has relay it adds a question that really isn’t observable what would the text say or add to the work. The text is a paradox “Text placement would be here – length or content not created yet, font size not decided” because the text has been created and placed, has a length, content, font and font size, it is the text. But is it left to the viewer to decide.
Equally during this period I just couldn’t articulate what, how and why I was feel the way I did.
Repetition of the text almost like the day in day out sense of depression, mundane and banal,
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy………” The Shining, using different, text lays
And similar too text of Rene Magritte “This is not a pipe”.
I also experimented with a short moving image called – Ceilings.
https://vimeo.com/340187511
Images without text
This had been coming for a long time. I succeeded in not being offer a place on the course described has being “too honest for my own good” in many peoples eyes I was the sure fire favourite to secure the place on the course for the new job role with 15 years’ experience, even my manager was annoyed, this decision was made a group of people. Even the person who secure the place was shocked and upset. I didn’t have the drive, the motivation or the desire, I knew that they wouldn’t offer the place to somebody who openly told them they would leave.
The last time I hear the words “too honest for my good” I was 16. I was an engineering apprentice, the practical I enjoyed and I really struggled with the theory and one day college course, on top of that on the shop floor every I was trying to learn was not used in the real world, there was the right way and then there was the “ right way ”. I stopped going to college because I really was struggling with it if I asked for help I would look stupid and thick, why do that if the theory and college course was it was pointless because in the real world it wasn’t practical or used. Of course I was found out and in the meeting with managers I explained that it was pointless because it was not used, they agreed in part it a lot of it was not used in the real world but it had to be done – pointless so why do it? They give me a chance to change my line, I omitted my struggles and I continued my line. Before they dismissed me they said I was a “nice lad with potential but your too honest for your own good….” It was defence mechanism if I couldn’t do the educational thing because your thick and stupid why bother, complete avoid it and nobody would find out. I did think about doing a nursing degree but talked myself out of it even doing my vocational qualification took me much longer due to the written element.
This course and qualification was an intense 6 week course 60 ucas points what’s that 600 hours of learning, taught at doctor level of knowledge in terms of anatomy and physiology, I talked everybody out it of given me a placement and a new job role. My studies with OCA was slowing down because what was the point. The penny dropped I was still being effected I was useless, stupid, thick and the world would be a better place without me. I was pushing my wife away I telling her to leave, I wanted to disappear, commit social suicide this grew into thoughts of taking my own life, I was in the process of planning the logistics , how, where, who was going to finding. This was 40 years in the making pushed down now deep spilling out. I loosed the will, getting out of bed was difficult, I just stared at the ceiling numb, motivation dead.
This work was created out of the need to make myself do something, anything to get out of bed.
Self portrait seemed like a natural started point, maybe I wanted to see myself in the same way my family saw me, direct gaze empty, shoulders slumped my body language said it all even if I couldn’t articulate it. The bedroom a place of privacy, rest, warmth and intimacy felt like dark place because I was there, the bedroom a place of a daily battle to get up and do something anything. The photograph of my kids happy and laughing, our wedding photograph reflecting in a mirror, I remove myself from the frame these images a symbol of my thoughts the colour palette calm, neutral and complimentary, a simple of shapes within the composition making them strong. My self portrait a similar in stance, red background given it sense of trauma. Me staring outside my wife doing about her day a sense of not belonging disconnection. The portraits are like mug shots, cold and distant different colour background different room around the house, drifting around them like a ghost.
The shadows in the bowl like bars metaphor a sense prison, unable to articulate my feelings the paper remain blank, house; car keys and mobile to leave them behind because they will have no use. The kitchen, traces of my wife, a time when the world was ordered and tidy. The final image the darkness.
The blurred image a distortion of self, unimportant, out of focus, the opposite in focus, something that shouldn’t matter so small yet the centre of the image becoming important a sense of confusion
The text started out has a marker an aid to see the composition of the text, a rough idea of what of what it could say, a place where decision yet to me made. During feedback on the OCA Forum Live hangout is was suggested that maybe the text should be left has it was. I wasn’t sure and to a degree I am still unsure. It does serve has relay it adds a question that really isn’t observable what would the text say or add to the work. The text is a paradox “Text placement would be here – length or content not created yet, font size not decided” because the text has been created and placed, has a length, content, font and font size, it is the text. But is it left to the viewer to decide.
Equally during this period I just couldn’t articulate what, how and why I was feel the way I did.
Repetition of the text almost like the day in day out sense of depression, mundane and banal,
“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy………” The Shining, using different, text lays
And similar too text of Rene Magritte “This is not a pipe”.
I also experimented with a short moving image called – Ceilings.
https://vimeo.com/340187511
Images without text
Contact sheet looking at composition and balance