Its been a hard past couple of months, a serious bout of depression and although I am feeling a lot better motivation is still an issue. Self esteem and self believe is up and down, I am finding it a little frustrating. The written element is quite barrier which I can seem to break down. My tutor had suggested that I free write which may help with the written, I think that I will try it out.
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"Syncope: Partial or complete loss of consciousness with interruption of awareness of oneself and one's surroundings. When the loss of consciousness is temporary and there is spontaneous recovery, it is referred to as syncope or, in nonmedical quarters, fainting. Syncope is due to a temporary reduction in blood flow and therefore a shortage of oxygen to the brain. This leads to lightheadness or a "black out" episode, a loss of consciousness. Temporary impairment of the blood supply to the brain can be caused by heart conditions and by conditions that do not directly involve the heart. edit" https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=5612 I have been experimenting with short moving images again, mainly to try and keep myself making work during this difficult period. Although the work isn't directly connect to a "faint" it is more of a metaphor. The combination of the sea and transition of the sand the act of digging and smoothing over, to bury something only for the tide to come and undo it all, turbulence. Pixelation the breaking down of the image to small parts of the whole with so many to look at one makes no sense. Short moving image titled Syncope https://vimeo.com/347697379 Short experimental moving image Titled - Ceilings
https://vimeo.com/340187511 Feeling all quite unsure, uncertain and in a mild state of shock. On Wednesday had my first session of counselling uncomfortable maybe that's an understatement to say the least, painful I don't know. Feeling quite dark, had a medication review on the same day, the med's aren't working so there being up'd and I now have psychiatric referral not how I feel about that. I wonder if they wear white coats, wonder if there is a leather couch, I wonder if the conversation starts "Tell me Mr Fletcher when did this all start..........." Moving image experimentation
I am 1.4 https://vimeo.com/330784936 I am becoming increasing interested in moving images. Appropriation of various different media in order to create something else more abstract. A low-fi capture and production using a mobile to record a clip of an MRI of a brain close up so it become soft and out of focus, producing shifting shapes, patterns and light like internal movements of thoughts and process. An eerie chimera of visual movement and mechanical almost b-movie alien rhythmic hypnotic sound. The end abrupt and terminal maybe if this was a piece of real work it would be on a continuous loop, a beginning of a thought and the end of one only to be repeated. I've been up and down over the last 12 months and I have finally hit the ground quite hard. It is something that I could not continue to ignore. I don't know why I feel so low, so dark, in such a strange place where I feel so disconnected from everything. So I have stopped myself in my tracks, seen the doctor, spoke to my wive, spoke with work. Life is changing, it has to.
Just experimenting with a book layout, it has dawned on me that in fact these images say more about me than I initially thought. I have lived in Sinfin pretty much all of my life - I lived just outside of Sinfin for seven years but returned I have lived within the same square mile for 41 years. I had kinda hoped that this feeling of indifference about where I live, that Sinfin was a shit hole was just me and my thinking, my wife feels and thinks the same but maybe that is my influence.
But since thinking more and more about the place I live, I have searched for the plans regarding the development of the garden village, the industrial development, the park and the nature reserve. There is lots of information out there. Which left me scratching my head why had I never seen it before, was it because I don't care or because it was briefly shown quietly in some council building somewhere or was it a combination. In this search for information I discovered a 84 page document titled "Sinfin Profile 2011/12" which was produced by the "Research and Intelligence Team, Policy, Research and Engagement Division, Strategic Services and Transformation" which I guessing part of Derby City Council. "Low satisfaction with neighbourhood" "Mean annual income lower than the city" "A higher percentage of people with no qualifications than the Derby average" "Only 1 in 5 adults are estimated to eat healthily – the lowest proportion of any ward in Derby" "Much higher volumes of Police CFS for ASB than Derby average" "A considerably lower rate of residents giving unpaid help" "Fewer people felt they belonged to their neighbourhood" "Lower rate of people who have attended a museum or art gallery in the last 12 months when compared to the city figure." http://oscarderby.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Sinfin-Ward-Profile.pdf [Accessed 09/03/2019] I thought it was just me, I had hoped it was me but its not, It is Sinfin. "An honesty that may be uncomfortable, that maybe I don't give a shit. Familiarity breeds contempt, indifference and maybe the place that I live is drowning in it or maybe its just me I am not sure which is worst" https://iam1point4.weebly.com/journal/its-everywhere [Accessed 09/03/2019] My conflict is not because is it coz I is working class "People like me don’t do degrees People like me certainly don’t do art degrees People like me aren’t expected to do well in any degree let alone art. Photography is like a dirty little secret, an embarrassment something I don’t really like talking about unless your my wife or a handful of people here" Alan Fletcher Oct '18 - Is It Coz I Is Working Class https://discuss.oca-student.com/t/is-it-coz-i-is-working-class/8390 [Accessed 09/03/2019] Is it coz I is from Sinfin. I guess that I am still finding it hard to see the wood for the trees, maybe it is because there are so many things to consider, so many things flying around my head, so many unknowns and the thought of trying to attempt a continuous 12 month project is both exciting, frighting and very risky - equally it may not happen if they don't agree to it.
I think that the feedback I received validated my own thinking and thoughts. It was suggested that I could show them some of the type of work I was thinking about doing which makes sense and that maybe I could present each assignment to them again something to think about. It did get me thinking about https://iam1point4.weebly.com/introduction/identity-conflict [Accessed 05/03/2019] I found myself talking about the work I was doing for them and the work I was doing for me, there images a more straight forward record, which probably would contain more aesthetically pleasing maybe even have a more commercial feel to them, in comparison to my more balanced approach, dare I say more arty farty. At which point I thought how wrong that thinking was, it sounded quite patronising, I need to challenge my own old way of thinking, how I feel and learn how to talk about what I do openly and with conviction, the work should be seen has one, just a mix of approaches and uses. |