Assignment 3 - Appointments
Mirror and windows – has I look out at the world though a window pane I will see a reflection of myself and the world.
I had reached a point I knew I couldn’t continue I needed help I had opened up, no that’s wrong I had cracked open something had to give and it felt catastrophic. It was odd I was at a point in my life where things were on the up but this positive position left me oddly exposed. I had a box which I carried all my life. Things at the top were all the day to day and the deep into the box it became week to week, month to month so on and so on. But has my life progressed things no longer occupied the box, rather than the box becoming lighter it got heavier. At the bottom of the box was shit that was always there, I had forget the impact and the effect it had on me.
After seeing the GP I was placed onto medication and referred for counselling it felt uncomfortable. I had suffered with depression on and off throughout my life but never to this degree. Counselling was very useful I am still working on things and that these things take time. The same room was used, it never changed, items never moved nor things added. It was quite bare, large in size quite cold and very quite. Walls painted neutral beige with no pictures or information posters. I even commented on the room, Tam reply was that she had just moved into this room and hadn’t had time to change it. Over 8 sessions, 8 hours I looked at the same things in the room.
We had talked about photography and the course, I had been thinking about the room has a project and I got the courage to ask the question which took her completely off guard - Could I take photos of the room on my last session. I went on to say that there would be no identifiable information within the images and due to the nature of the space – healthcare, the answer maybe no but I would understand if this was the case. She had to ask her manager but she didn’t have a problem with it. I didn’t have an answer until the last session – I had taken my compact camera in order to be discrete right at the end of the session I was given permission. She went on to talk about situational memory and the photographs could serve has a reminder of the counselling session and the progress make.
The room is essentially the “Community”
“A group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common”
An unseen community of people using the same space but never meeting in the same place, shared experiences and no doubt many of us probably looked at the same things at some stage avoiding eye contact. There was a sense of distance, chairs separated by the table, chairs and table placed far away from the desk. I did wonder if there was a purpose in the way the room was laid out, a detachment of emotional comfort apart from the tissues which almost seemed like a token, although there was definite emotional support.
It was an alien space but it did slowly become a place I could talk without judgment. I was one of the 1 in 4 people that is affected by a mental issue every year. Funny really in that my learning log is call “I am 1 point 4” called because it’s the average weight of human brain a place where I am contained, and I am 1 in 4 is a coincidence, incidental act of serendipity.
Low self-esteem and self-sabotage stemming back to childhood it wasn’t because I was from Sinfin, it was because I was stupid and was never going to amount to nothing. I knew this because I was told by teachers and I heard same echoes at home from time to time. I could barely read or spell, made to stand at the front of class and read to the teacher weekly, mumbling, feeling hot, red and sick. Spelling tests passed to the person sat next to you for them to mark the 1’s and 2’s out of 10. I knew it and everybody knew it I was stupid, thick, slow and lazy. Being a child in the 70’s and 80’s dyslexia wasn’t widely recognised, and I was never diagnosed but things did improve has I got older and my reading and writing improved vastly.
At one point during my counselling I questioned if this was this emotional abuse? Wow really! emotional abuse! I guess if I saw this behaviour today, I would consider it emotional abuse and I would have to raise a concern. But in a wider context we are talking about the 70’s and 80’s no doubt it was unintentional both at school and at home, overall my childhood was ok and that the label “emotion abuse” today for me would be unhelpful and counterproductive.
The difficult was that due to the time I had to shoot the room the pool of images I had to select from was limited however the images I took were things that I looked every appointment. Because I didn’t have any expectation on the outcome made me feel more at ease, this was an exercise in motivation I needed to do something anything I had not really been engaged in anything in my life, I just wanted to hide away. It was also quite cathartic, hopefully it is a room I won’t see again in the flesh.
It has made me appreciate that although we are encouraged to take lots and lots of images, in different ways ect ect. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is know when enough is enough even if it is only a couple handful of images, to acknowledge that to reshoot or revisit would not completely remove authenticity but it would defiantly weaken it. This is a creative risk I take on the chin but it demonstrates a level of judgment. Everything in the room were like traces of others, like ghosts never to meet but all talking to the same person - a medium…..is there anyone there, anyone in the room, please talk to me. Only my medium was a counsellor called tamiz although I am sure I am not the only one who felt dead inside. I had disclosed to a number of people that I was actively thinking about and researching how I would end it. I thought it was a logical thought process ruling things in and out, thinking about the logistics of it all. Thankfully I did disclose my thoughts, that I never acted on them and that I don’t feel that way now. Yet I cannot unthink the logistics only continue to be mindful of myself, thoughts and feelings.
The work was intuitive however I find myself feeling very uncomfortable, here I am a very guarded person, very private introvert who doesn’t express themselfs verbally openly very well, nobody is really interested in me so why try why bother. But is this self centred, self exploitation, narcissistic exhibitionism? and although is it visceral, maybe even cathartic is it a misrepresentation or is the fear of emotion vulnerability that is causing an additional sense of conflict, almost like an elephant in the room big boys don’t cry.
I think that the difficulty I have in terms of placement of other practitioners it that the work isn’t a purely an exercise making an assignment to fit a brief, style or approach, it is reflexive, autobiographical, confused, honest and authentic in every sense. It is very difficult to let go in part because the work is visually understated, complex and layered not just in terms of identity but also in its contextualisation which is at this stage beyond my ability to articulate, not just because I am in progress of understanding myself but the context that surrounds self and the cognitive processes.
I half remember a quote but I cannot remember its author or word for word but the gist was if you are going to photograph, explore, record, document a subject you must try and become an expert on the subject. My councillor when she agreed to allow me to take photographs of the room, she mentioned how the images could serve has a reminder of where I have been, she very briefly explained situational awareness a cognitive process of memory when you try to remember thing lost or forgotten something like where you placed your keys, we retrace our step until we return to the area and if we are lucky the room triggers the memory. Which is similar to viewing photographs which had been sitting in a dusty box in the attic, when we see them forgotten images memories are trigger stories are told, narrative and autobiographical memory, object and memento
Contact sheet
I had reached a point I knew I couldn’t continue I needed help I had opened up, no that’s wrong I had cracked open something had to give and it felt catastrophic. It was odd I was at a point in my life where things were on the up but this positive position left me oddly exposed. I had a box which I carried all my life. Things at the top were all the day to day and the deep into the box it became week to week, month to month so on and so on. But has my life progressed things no longer occupied the box, rather than the box becoming lighter it got heavier. At the bottom of the box was shit that was always there, I had forget the impact and the effect it had on me.
After seeing the GP I was placed onto medication and referred for counselling it felt uncomfortable. I had suffered with depression on and off throughout my life but never to this degree. Counselling was very useful I am still working on things and that these things take time. The same room was used, it never changed, items never moved nor things added. It was quite bare, large in size quite cold and very quite. Walls painted neutral beige with no pictures or information posters. I even commented on the room, Tam reply was that she had just moved into this room and hadn’t had time to change it. Over 8 sessions, 8 hours I looked at the same things in the room.
We had talked about photography and the course, I had been thinking about the room has a project and I got the courage to ask the question which took her completely off guard - Could I take photos of the room on my last session. I went on to say that there would be no identifiable information within the images and due to the nature of the space – healthcare, the answer maybe no but I would understand if this was the case. She had to ask her manager but she didn’t have a problem with it. I didn’t have an answer until the last session – I had taken my compact camera in order to be discrete right at the end of the session I was given permission. She went on to talk about situational memory and the photographs could serve has a reminder of the counselling session and the progress make.
The room is essentially the “Community”
“A group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common”
An unseen community of people using the same space but never meeting in the same place, shared experiences and no doubt many of us probably looked at the same things at some stage avoiding eye contact. There was a sense of distance, chairs separated by the table, chairs and table placed far away from the desk. I did wonder if there was a purpose in the way the room was laid out, a detachment of emotional comfort apart from the tissues which almost seemed like a token, although there was definite emotional support.
It was an alien space but it did slowly become a place I could talk without judgment. I was one of the 1 in 4 people that is affected by a mental issue every year. Funny really in that my learning log is call “I am 1 point 4” called because it’s the average weight of human brain a place where I am contained, and I am 1 in 4 is a coincidence, incidental act of serendipity.
Low self-esteem and self-sabotage stemming back to childhood it wasn’t because I was from Sinfin, it was because I was stupid and was never going to amount to nothing. I knew this because I was told by teachers and I heard same echoes at home from time to time. I could barely read or spell, made to stand at the front of class and read to the teacher weekly, mumbling, feeling hot, red and sick. Spelling tests passed to the person sat next to you for them to mark the 1’s and 2’s out of 10. I knew it and everybody knew it I was stupid, thick, slow and lazy. Being a child in the 70’s and 80’s dyslexia wasn’t widely recognised, and I was never diagnosed but things did improve has I got older and my reading and writing improved vastly.
At one point during my counselling I questioned if this was this emotional abuse? Wow really! emotional abuse! I guess if I saw this behaviour today, I would consider it emotional abuse and I would have to raise a concern. But in a wider context we are talking about the 70’s and 80’s no doubt it was unintentional both at school and at home, overall my childhood was ok and that the label “emotion abuse” today for me would be unhelpful and counterproductive.
The difficult was that due to the time I had to shoot the room the pool of images I had to select from was limited however the images I took were things that I looked every appointment. Because I didn’t have any expectation on the outcome made me feel more at ease, this was an exercise in motivation I needed to do something anything I had not really been engaged in anything in my life, I just wanted to hide away. It was also quite cathartic, hopefully it is a room I won’t see again in the flesh.
It has made me appreciate that although we are encouraged to take lots and lots of images, in different ways ect ect. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is know when enough is enough even if it is only a couple handful of images, to acknowledge that to reshoot or revisit would not completely remove authenticity but it would defiantly weaken it. This is a creative risk I take on the chin but it demonstrates a level of judgment. Everything in the room were like traces of others, like ghosts never to meet but all talking to the same person - a medium…..is there anyone there, anyone in the room, please talk to me. Only my medium was a counsellor called tamiz although I am sure I am not the only one who felt dead inside. I had disclosed to a number of people that I was actively thinking about and researching how I would end it. I thought it was a logical thought process ruling things in and out, thinking about the logistics of it all. Thankfully I did disclose my thoughts, that I never acted on them and that I don’t feel that way now. Yet I cannot unthink the logistics only continue to be mindful of myself, thoughts and feelings.
The work was intuitive however I find myself feeling very uncomfortable, here I am a very guarded person, very private introvert who doesn’t express themselfs verbally openly very well, nobody is really interested in me so why try why bother. But is this self centred, self exploitation, narcissistic exhibitionism? and although is it visceral, maybe even cathartic is it a misrepresentation or is the fear of emotion vulnerability that is causing an additional sense of conflict, almost like an elephant in the room big boys don’t cry.
I think that the difficulty I have in terms of placement of other practitioners it that the work isn’t a purely an exercise making an assignment to fit a brief, style or approach, it is reflexive, autobiographical, confused, honest and authentic in every sense. It is very difficult to let go in part because the work is visually understated, complex and layered not just in terms of identity but also in its contextualisation which is at this stage beyond my ability to articulate, not just because I am in progress of understanding myself but the context that surrounds self and the cognitive processes.
I half remember a quote but I cannot remember its author or word for word but the gist was if you are going to photograph, explore, record, document a subject you must try and become an expert on the subject. My councillor when she agreed to allow me to take photographs of the room, she mentioned how the images could serve has a reminder of where I have been, she very briefly explained situational awareness a cognitive process of memory when you try to remember thing lost or forgotten something like where you placed your keys, we retrace our step until we return to the area and if we are lucky the room triggers the memory. Which is similar to viewing photographs which had been sitting in a dusty box in the attic, when we see them forgotten images memories are trigger stories are told, narrative and autobiographical memory, object and memento
Contact sheet
Assignment 3 formative feedback phone session initial reflection
This is the first time where I have responded to feedback in such a short space of time less than 24 hours, normally I would leave it a week, return to my notes and the feedback if written or memory if the feedback was verbal. This due to time frame but maybe this will force change. I am also writing and thinking at 5.30am shortly after waking something Jayne had talked briefly was morning writing and the book The Artist Way by Julia Cameron so there’s no time like the present to give it a go.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/03/morning-pages-change-your-life-oliver-burkeman
https://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/
Overall the feedback was balanced and positive, focusing on the potential of experimentation with different layouts, review the text and the smaller images, are they important? are they required?
Does the reduction of the text and smaller images strengthen the work? Jayne felt that the larger images were strong enough to stand alone without the text and smaller images by maybe to keep the under the image text i.e Your appointment with Tamsin……. but again is the repetition of “your appointment…..” needed or does it reflect that same room unchanged week in week out.
Jayne thought that the sequence was good, the larger image was magnetized to each other, I also felt that they sat naturally together.
Jayne thought that maybe a digital overlay of the wood on the other images could be an alternative, I am not convinced however that is at the centre of experimentation just because I am not convinced it should never be dismissed to the point of not trying it once, who knows it may work.
Jayne also thought that maybe if they was 9 images they could be presented in a grid format with the wood image centre and the fridge images top and tailing it. Like a metaphoric box’s, a cube the room. I can see how that would work. I think that if I did try this out I would still present the individual prints first along side the grid print. I would see the grid more has a layout if it was hanging on a wall, but still strong enough to present has individual prints viewed in a linear fashion i.e book format.
It was pointed out that my writing is still good and to continue to do so but I need to also condense it into a 500 word summary like an artist statement. I agree
I spoke of my difficulty in articulating the complexity of the work in terms of background context – Memory, cognitive processes and trace but Jayne felt it was good that I recognised that it was complex. We briefly spoke about late photography, I mentioned Locard exchange principle used in forensics – the idea that a person brings something into a room and then leave taking something from the room. Which similar to counselling and the photograph has a record of time.
Jayne felt that overall the work was well taken, was compositionally strong and heading in the right direction.
Note – I have summarized the feedback session in 526 words without really thinking about the word count.
This is the first time where I have responded to feedback in such a short space of time less than 24 hours, normally I would leave it a week, return to my notes and the feedback if written or memory if the feedback was verbal. This due to time frame but maybe this will force change. I am also writing and thinking at 5.30am shortly after waking something Jayne had talked briefly was morning writing and the book The Artist Way by Julia Cameron so there’s no time like the present to give it a go.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/03/morning-pages-change-your-life-oliver-burkeman
https://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/
Overall the feedback was balanced and positive, focusing on the potential of experimentation with different layouts, review the text and the smaller images, are they important? are they required?
Does the reduction of the text and smaller images strengthen the work? Jayne felt that the larger images were strong enough to stand alone without the text and smaller images by maybe to keep the under the image text i.e Your appointment with Tamsin……. but again is the repetition of “your appointment…..” needed or does it reflect that same room unchanged week in week out.
Jayne thought that the sequence was good, the larger image was magnetized to each other, I also felt that they sat naturally together.
Jayne thought that maybe a digital overlay of the wood on the other images could be an alternative, I am not convinced however that is at the centre of experimentation just because I am not convinced it should never be dismissed to the point of not trying it once, who knows it may work.
Jayne also thought that maybe if they was 9 images they could be presented in a grid format with the wood image centre and the fridge images top and tailing it. Like a metaphoric box’s, a cube the room. I can see how that would work. I think that if I did try this out I would still present the individual prints first along side the grid print. I would see the grid more has a layout if it was hanging on a wall, but still strong enough to present has individual prints viewed in a linear fashion i.e book format.
It was pointed out that my writing is still good and to continue to do so but I need to also condense it into a 500 word summary like an artist statement. I agree
I spoke of my difficulty in articulating the complexity of the work in terms of background context – Memory, cognitive processes and trace but Jayne felt it was good that I recognised that it was complex. We briefly spoke about late photography, I mentioned Locard exchange principle used in forensics – the idea that a person brings something into a room and then leave taking something from the room. Which similar to counselling and the photograph has a record of time.
Jayne felt that overall the work was well taken, was compositionally strong and heading in the right direction.
Note – I have summarized the feedback session in 526 words without really thinking about the word count.